you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
