what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
