You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
