I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My penis needs a shock collar
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
