The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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