Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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