She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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