You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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