How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
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He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
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Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize