I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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