mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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