Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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