I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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