Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I deserve this hangover.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
