Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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