Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
