Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
