Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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