The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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