He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
