They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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