Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
