I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
