does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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