This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm bleeding and have questions
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
