Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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