my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
