don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
