WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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