Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
