All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
