Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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