i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
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We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
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I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.