feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.