dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?