Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
