I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
