well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
