Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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