now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
