my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"