the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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