so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
