So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
