After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
