If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
