I wanna passion pit in your ass
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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