I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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