I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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