So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
