is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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