Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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