C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
