I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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