just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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