The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
