I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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