i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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