I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
