I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
